Learning to let Him lead.

The scrap of paper lay crunched at the bottom of my bag. I pulled it out, smoothing the words back into flat sentences and there it lay, words hurriedly written in my scrawly script, "If children are brought up in a Pharisee's home, they will become Pharisees." It caught me when she said it, an offhand comment in the middle of hundreds of others.

It must have been time for me to hear it again.

I have thought a lot these past days about what it means to parent a child - to nurture their heart and train them in righteousness. I am driven back again to the person of Jesus. How did He teach and love His disciples? They failed and yet He never rejected them. He wasn't concerned about the externals but about their hearts. I confess to having a little Pharisee in me. I sometimes cringe when both my children melt down in Target and I can feel people looking at us. I question how often I regulate life to get them to exhibit external obedience when their hearts are far from me. I want manageability but, although that is a nice goal, it can't be what we really hope for our kids, that they will learn to be "manageable". I want to raise children that are passionate and true. Children that live without pretense and with humility.

I feel like my parenting has taken a turn these past few days into an uncharted territory as I try to root out the Pharisee in me because surely I do not want to raise little Pharisee's. I'm definitely feeling my way in the dark and learning to listen to God rather than the voices, real or imagined, that tell me to take charge again. I don't want to be the captain on this ship, that is the place of only One and I am learning how to let go of the wheel and let Him steer.

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