Trust

Trust feels like a free-fall leap over the edge into the unknown. I never have liked heights. My heart starts to race as I make the ascent and I start to feel dizzy. I feel anxiety spin up in me until I am on the verge of panic and I reach out, trying to hold onto anything that feels safe just to steady myself. I have heard of the exhilaration that comes as you let the air currents blow over you and there really is no place for fear because you know you will be caught. Fear is not rational though, it plays around with the questions, "what if no-one catches you?" "what if He says He will catch you and He isn't true to His word?" "What if....?" The tormentor finds a place in my dislike for unpredictability, that place where I actively choose to be outside of my control and surrender fully to His control. It scares me.
When my boys were little my husband used to throw them up into the air, high, much higher than I was comfortable with, and they would squeal with joy as they felt that freedom all around them and the delight of their father in them. There was never a time when a look of doubt would cross their faces as if they wondered if he would catch them. Their trust was implicit and I envy that. When I receive the offer of entering into that same joy and life with my heavenly Father I get all tense and wriggly and my face gets that anxious look. I don't even know how to enjoy life in that way. Give me a dish rag and dirty plates and I'll clean dishes for you, God. Give me a task, any task, that way I still feel in control and although I'm not squealing with delight, at least I am feeling safe. Safe. That is starting to sound like a bad word. Safe, but no joy. Safe, but no laughter. Safe, but safety is stripping away the life. Safe. Safe. Safe. Keep me safe. Lock me up somewhere safe. Don't let me feel afraid. I just want to be safe. Isn't that a definition of my life? I am choosing an idol of safety over life, joy, exhilaration, laughter, and the crazy thing is that there really is no safety outside of His embrace anyway and the way into his embrace is to take the plunge with arms open wide and say, "Have your way," falling into life and into fullness. Then I remember the price that He paid for me, His arms were open wide and He plunged the depths for me, and the Father caught Him, just like He will catch me.

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