Life isn't fair.

I feel the accusation shooting me like arrows piercing the skin. The words, they hurt. The misunderstanding, painful. I feel my heart withdrawing, looking for safety, looking to build a stronger wall, to grow a rougher, more calloused skin where the arrows won't go so deep. Self preservation.
The problem is with expectations. I wish I was so much more, but I'm not. They wish I was so much more but I am Kirsty, stained by sin, struggling. I will to live a life more fully rooted in the Man of Heaven, but I fail, I fall short. I am not all they want me to be or all I want me to be and I won't be.
This morning, lying awake in bed, the torrent of grime rushing through my thoughts was dammed with a singular phrase, "He loves me." Three words, enough to still the storm of emotions and He, bypassing the walls I was building around my heart, was Immanuel, God with me. Resting in the reality of His love took me back to a conversation I had last night with a friend.
"Life isn't fair," she said. I didn't say anything, curious where she was going with that statement. She went on, "If life was fair we would all be destined for hell, but it's not fair. We are offered eternity with Jesus because he suffered and died for us. That's not fair at all, so be glad that life isn't fair."
Honestly, in that moment I felt a little chagrined by my own thought life, my own words whining like a child, "Life isn't fair." I feel the self pity, the way accusation bothers me how unfair it seems. The truth is that the mercies of God are unfailing and the unfair part of it is that I, unworthy and sin tainted, get to be the joyful recipient of his overflowing love and drink from the Water of Life for eternity. Completely unfair, and I am grateful.
His plan and purpose has never changed. He wants us to turn away from things that harm us and look toward Him, toward His love, to bask in that for eternity. I am desperately in need of this reality. We all are. I will never overcome the tide of accusation against me by being a better person, I will only overcome it knowing that He knows the extent of my frame, my failings, my shortcomings and He loves me anyway, enough to die a brutal, bloody death so that I could be with Him forever. I am so thankful that life isn't fair.

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